Making a Difference in 2015

In my blog I don't usually get too personal and talk about myself.  I talk about my adventures, give make-up tips and product reviews, but I steer away from sharing personal stuff about myself.

Today, 2015, I'm going to be more involved in my blog, my side writing project, and journaling.  I've been journaling since I was in middle school.  It's a great habit if you haven't started yet.  I truly recommend it.  I still have all my journal books and I would read random pages every once in a while and can still recall that particular moment in my life.  It's great therapy for me especially since I have so much thoughts and so much emotions.  I can only imagine what my therapy bill would look like if I didn't journal.  :)   

2014 was a fun but also tough year for me.  Fun because we did a lot this year.  Some highlights... we were in Times Square for New Years, Maui in Feb., bought our first home together in April, moved in in May, sold my townhouse in June, had my first hiking and camping experience, went on a week long road trip to Banff, Canada for our 1-year anniversary in Aug., Cozumel for Thanksgiving, and tons and tons of home improvement project hours.  

It was also a tough year because J's ex wife is always causing negative drama.  Constantly asking us for money and using visitation with his son as blackmail.  Although we paid every dime she asked for, she puts no efforts in making the son available and had the balls to claim we never paid her.  Glad we have tons of proofs.  I thought not allowing J to see his son for 6-months during our wedding in 2013 was the worse it can get, but I was wrong.  It got uglier and uglier with lies after lies to the son and on legal documents to damage J's relationship with his son. She doesn't care how her lies affects her son's happiness, she just want to get back at J because she's bitter he moved on, the better parent, and we're happy.  The funny part is that she has a long term live-in boyfriend.  I'm not sure why she can't just be happy with him and stop trying so hard to ruin our relationship.  All I'm going to say is that she's manipulative, sneaky, and smart.  Anyhow, glad the lawyers are involved now so things can finally be fair.

Besides that headache and mess, I also lost our baby girl at 3-months pregnant.  Probably one of the saddest and toughest situation I've been through.  After trying for a while and having two miscarriages, to finally have one that made it that far, you can only imagine how happy I was. We were on vacation when J and I discussed how although we don't care if it's a boy or a girl, a girl would be nice. When we got home, we got the results back and found out it was a girl.  We were so happy!!! Happy news was quickly followed by bad news the next day at our regular scheduled appointment.  Our baby girl did not make it and had passed.  I wish I was never told the sex of the baby because I became more attached and it made hearing the bad news even tougher.  

During this tough time, I realized my reaction to deep hurt was to act strong.  I realize that I pretend to be strong in front of others (including J) when I'm really hurt so people don't have to worry about me or pity me.  I didn't want the spotlight or to feel like a victim, so I kept busy and pretended to be OK.  But the truth was, when no one was looking, I would cry to myself.  I see HGTV home improvement shows with them decorating a baby room and tears would come down.  I go to Target and see the baby aisle and want to cry.  I was able to be more vulnerable with J but it was still tough to be completely broken down in front of him because I wanted to be strong for him especially.  He was hurting too and I didn't want him to be more sad having to see me sad.  I'm sure it's not an abnormal reaction from people dealing with tragedies.  But it definitely made me see a part of me I never saw before and how strong I can act to hide the pain.  
  
With the lost and feeling incredibly sad and broken, I came out seeing the light and seeing life differently.  Being that the lost happened in early December, the new year felt like it was the right timing for the new me and new beginning.  This year, I'm not going to let baby making each month stop me from making plans.  For New Years Day, we started it out just right.... we went showshoeing (which is like hiking without the mosquitoes) .  It was a beautiful, dry, blue skies, perfect snow day :)  For 2015, we already bought tickets to go to Palms Springs in Feb, Santa Rosa, CA in May, and Maui in Nov.  

This year I'm going to say yes to things I want to do that always intimidated me or scared me.  And say no to things that I don't want to do but do it for the sake of others or others asking.    

I joined this amazing girl running and biking group and I've run with them weekly.  They are so fast but that's good... it pushes me.  I've also got back into doing my High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) routines.  Because J is a different kind of active, I always felt like my HIIT and gym time was lame in comparison (probably is...hahahaha) but "I" enjoy it and love creating my own HIIT routines.  I'm passionate about it! What I've learned is that if you're passionate about something, keep doing it.  Just because it's not your hubby's passion (he has a much cooler and crazier passion) :)  doesn't mean my passion is any less great.   

What's great about J is that he opened my eyes to being more active outdoors.  This year, I'm saying yes and doing whatever comes up.  I figure, I'll try everything once and who knows, something might strike a cord and be something I'm good at and really enjoy.  :)  I know for a fact I don't enjoy running long distance... then why join the running girl group this year when I say I won't do anything I don't want to do, you ask?... good question... hahaha... it's because I like pushing myself and surrounding myself with great people that pushes me to be better.  They know I'm not in it for long distances so I'm only invited when they do their shorter runs (shorter runs to them is more like 6-9 miles).  :-O

This year, I'm going to make more time to hang out with amazing friends/people that inspire me and less with those that are a downers, catty, fake, and too lazy to put in the effort for friends (luckily for me, I don't have or know many people like that).  I also plan to not let J's ex wife's negative energy and evil schemes affect me.  I notice I tend to get fired up and passionate about "what's right/righteousness" a lot..... so you can see why his ex and the situation can gets me fired up inside  because everything she does is morally wrong and unspeakable.  I wrote a blog telling people the TRUTH about her and her manipulating games but then removed it by the end of the day.  I realize that the truth doesn't change anything.  She's still who she is.  And people that are on her side probably belongs there (like attract like).  God knows the truth and doesn't need me to spread it.  I'm a strong believer in karma (what goes around, comes around).  I've decided to step back and let God take care of her karma however ways He finds fit. Although it would be super nice to be there and see karma give her what she deserves, I've decided to step away from it all and not really care about what happens or don't happen to such a person in my life.  I'm washing my hands and head from her and enjoying my happy life.  Money is just money.  We'll make more.  She wakes up every morning and lives with herself and the demon in her soul and head daily.  She can never be truly happy cause she doesn't know how to love beyond herself.... THAT in itself is her punishment.  :)

Being that this year is more about being a better me, every morning so far, I make sure I drink at least 1 glass of detox water and read a passage in my DailyOM book by Madisyn Taylor or my Awaken book by Mark Nepo.  I think everyone should have these two books in their collection.  If anything, it's the quiet "me" time I make sure I give myself daily.  Although my plan is to do it every morning, sometimes the mornings can be hectic and it doesn't happen... if so, I just make sure it's done some time within the day.  I'm a lot more forgiving toward myself I've noticed as I've gotten older.  This year in particular, I'm more aware of what I say to myself.  My remaining baby weight doesn't seem to want to melt away and it has gotten me down a couple of times (not only because I look and feel fat,... it also reminds me of the baby I could have had)  :(  I allow myself to feel a little down, then I just march forward and create a plan to do something about it rather than criticize my
body.  Don't get me wrong, the voices inside my head (thankfully) are pretty positive.  I'm just harsh on myself when I set a goal and don't achieve it.  

I'm excited about 2015.  I feel stronger than ever inside.  I feel truly happy and at peace and have not let anything/or anyone bring me down yet so far.  This is MY YEAR!  And hopefully also a new baby year too!  :)  

I must admit, the energy you give out, gets returned 10 folds.  This year has been so amazing so far.

LIFE IS GOOD